There's a SHOVEL in my tree!

Well I have six kids in this house.  And I may as well tell you the truth...I have a husband too. Guess that makes it seven.  I'm always searching for ways to be more organized, run an effective household, and be a better manager (of the kids), blah blah blah... As I'm trying to come up with ways to do all of these fabulous things that will obviously make me a wonderful mother I decided to turn to the web.  I Googled things such as "Chore charts for kids who really don't give a shit what our house looks like as long as they get to eat every day" and "Is duct tape considered effective discipline?" Of course I also searched for "How in the hell do I get these damn kids (and husband) to pick their friggin dirty clothes up off the floor before I punch someone?"  THERE ARE EIGHT HAMPERS IN THIS HOUSE FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!! 

So the majority of these searches lead me to mommy blogs.  Ones that are titled things like "I'm the Most Perfect Mom in the World So Read My Blog and You Will Be Perfect Too!"  Or "Organized Olivia...I have no kids but am really organized and I just know I can show all of you moms the right way to keep your homes as clean and organized as mine!" (She was completely full of shit!  WTF?)  But my FAVORITES were the "Parenting: A gift from God, a true blessing, couldn't ask for a better life...  I want to spend every moment with my child so I stay awake all night every night staring in to her sleeping face and poking her every 30 minutes to make sure she's still alive... Playdates for Little Sarah...How To Be a Loving Family of God... Jesus is the Head of Our Home (Jesus is the head of my home, too.  My kids know if they piss me off they'd better start praying to that man asking him to be able to run faster than I can!)  So, anyway, you get the picture.  These blogs were all created by a bunch of liars!! 

Yep, I called them L-I-A-R-S!  I'm sorry, but there is NO WAY IN HELL that a woman with ZERO kids knows absolutely anything about organizing my house full of shit!  NOT POSSIBLE!  And I love my kids too, don't get me wrong.  I'm constantly plastering their cute little faces all over facebook and my screen savers.  Oh, yes, how I love the little germ-carrying complainers! BUT...I would never never never never NEVER want to spend every waking moment with them!  I already can't take a dump without a kid either walking in to talk to me, or standing outside the door trying to have a conversation with me and about thirty seconds and ten questions in to it I'm screaming, "I JUST WANT TO POOP BY MYSELF IN PEACE!!!!  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?  HUH?  IS IT?"

Well, I shouldn't call these women liars.  That wasn't very nice of me.  Actually I have gotten a lot of great ideas from some of these mommy blogs.  I just have a hard time actually believing that anyone in the world really loves their life that much!  And if you do, then I envy the hell out of you!  I just know oh too many moms who appear all Betty Crocker on the outside but hide their Adderall in their aprons and Vodka behind their cookbooks.  But, whatever floats your boat!  Keep telling me how to organize my closets!  I'm loving that part!

Anyway, I did run across some blogs that were pretty flippin awesome!  Moms who are real and let it all out. Moms who bitch about their kids.  Moms who talked about a time when they shit their pants (yes, I said SHIT again,) and so on...  Now those moms are right on the money!  And I'd much rather read about a mom who shit her pants than one who has perfect kids.  Because shitting her pants is funny!  We've all done it! 

I had a blog a couple of years ago about my crazy life and parenting my kids and keeping up with everything, but I just stopped.  I was running out of things to say so what was the point?   Yeah, yeah, yeah...I have six kids and my life is hectic, crazy, and nuts!  NO WAY!!!  REALLY??  I HAVE SIX KIDS!  Pretty sure that was a no-brainer for my readers.

I was standing on my deck a couple of weeks ago, drinking my first cup of coffee and staring out in to my pathetic, white trash back yard when I was pretty sure I saw something in my tree (my ONE puny tree.)  I hadn't even got one cup of coffee in me yet so my vision was still a little blurry and I felt like I had slammed 15 shots of vodka in five minutes the night before, but something was there.  So I focused.  And holy shiznit!  There was a shovel in my tree!  A FUCKING SHOVEL IN MY TREE!!!  I even said out loud to myself, "There's a fucking shovel in my tree!!" 

You see it??  Yep, there it is!  Now how in the HELL would a SHOVEL get in my tree?  There's no telling in this house!  Were the kids playing cowboys and indians?  Trying to kill a bird?  Or a neighbor?  WTF???  But all the sudden something in me clicked.  THIS is the shit that I need to share!  My actual thoughts.  Unedited.  Because that's really what my life is like.  A big ole shovel in a tree.  No sugar coating here!  And, yes, I said fuck, too.  Because I cuss.

(P.S. I never did find out how that shovel got in my tree...)

Happy reading!!!